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| Bracques: Man with Guitar |
Q: The meteoric success of Patch is a phenomenon unrivaled in the modern age. What is the secret of your unparalleled excellence?
A: It's gotta be the shoes.
Q: Does Patch have some sort of overarching musical philosophy that guides the work you do?
A: We here at Patch believe that Pope John XXII said it best in 1324:
"These musicians run without pausing, they intoxicate the ear without satisfying it, they dramatize the text with gestures and, instead of promoting devotion, they prevent it by creating a sensuous and innocent atmosphere. Thus it was not without good reason that Boethius said: 'A person who is intrinsically sensuous will delight in hearing these indecent melodies, and one who listens to them frequently will be weakened thereby and lose his virility of soul.' . . . However, We do not intend to forbid the occasional use . . . of certain consonant intervals . . . provided these harmonics are in the spirit and character of the melodies themselves, as, for instance, the consonance of the octave, the fifth, the fourth, and others of this nature: but always on the condition that the melodies themselves remain intact in the pure integrity of their form, and that no innovation take place against true musical discipline."
Q: Who exactly is David "Not THE David Tanenbaum" Tanenbaum?
A: Well I'll tell you who he's not. He's definitely not THE David Tanenbaum, world renowned classical guitar virtuoso. No, no, no, my friend, he's not that David Tanenbaum at all.
Q: How do you afford your Rock-and-Roll Lifestyle?
A: That's an excellent question. And on a related note you should all check back with us in a few months for your opportunity to purchase a rock and roll T-shirt that will prove to the world that you were there, that you indeed heard of us first.
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| Rod's drumming combines the tasteful elegance of Animal from the Muppets, the subtlety of a toy chimp banging his cymbals together and the dynamic, emotional power of that kid...you know...that child prodigy who played with the Partridge family. |
A: Donald Crisp in "How Green Was My Valley "
Q: Where can I purchase a copy of Phæcia?
A: Unfortunately, Phæcia is not commercially available at this time. So the next time some Horatio Alger wannabe is feeding you some load of crap about America being the "Land of Opportunity" you just turn to him and say, "Oh yeah? Well what about my 'opportunity' to buy one of the top board games ever invented? What about that, Mr. Smarty Pants?"
Q: Is it really true that the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame has decided to waive the standard 25 year minimum for Patch, much like the NHL did for Wayne Gretzky?
A: I hear things.
Q: Does anybody here remember Vera Lynn?
A: Um...No.
Q: Remember how she said that we would meet again, some sunny day?
A: ...next question.
Q: Is it true that the Warsaw Pact was initially envisioned by former Soviet Premier Nikita Kruschev to be primarily a bargaining chip when negotiating with the US regarding NATO rather than an actual Communist block defense strategy?
A: Puh-leeeeease, people. We've been over this and over this. A more interesting question would have been: To what extent did Ronald Reagan's unwavering faith in the viability of the Star Wars system in the face of overwhelming scientific concensus against it serve to increase Star Wars' value as a bargaining chip and drive Gorbachev to lose all hope of a Soviet victory in the arms race?
Q: Speaking of which, what did you guys think of Jar Jar Binks?
A: Various band members have described him as "Adorable," "Cute as a button," and, "An outrageous slap in the face of every African American."
Q: Do the lads have any non-musical projects in the works?
A: Be looking this fall for the new TV show currently in development
for UPN starring Patch drummer, Rod Switzer (he of the recently
acquired Tae Kwon Do red belt). He plays a drummer
for a rock and roll band which travels across the country and visits
a new locale each week. Even though his character is a pacifist
and completely abhoars violence, it just so happens that in every
single show his character is absolutely forced to kick the crap out
of a bunch of jerks. Sometimes twice a show.
Sandwiched in between these savage beatings are stylized flashback sequences to Rod's formative years with his mentor -- the venerated sage Kieth Moon (tentatively set to be played by Kato Kaelin; keep your fingers crossed!). As a young tubthumper, Rod would be taught some rudiment or grip which we would then see him applying later in life as he mercilessly stomps on some heckler or other miscreant in the audience. After breaking for commercials for Slim Jims, the U.S. Army, and BoneStorm VIII for Sony Playstation, we return for a rousing encore which, of course, features Patch's latest chart topper. And the name of the show almost writes itself: "Lightening Rod". (Because you see he attracts a lot of action...and his name is Rod...you see where I'm going with this?) Look for us right after "Uzbekistan's Top Model" this fall.
Q. Are you...experienced?
A. Not necessarily stoned...but, uh...beautiful.
Q: That last question was obviously being answered by Jonathan
Patch. What would the answer have looked like had John Maxson been
answering the questions?
Q: What exactly are we looking at on the cover of your smash
hit CD, "Such the Better Lie"? (pictured on left)
